all they do is sit around and tell eschatological jokes

The bretharians are my favourite end-times cult. It’s custom fucking designed for Americans: the world’s first diet religion. Your main obligation as a bretharian is to starve yourself and learn to live on air and water alone. The whole thing screams for merchandising, which, with Breatharian Water, they’ve already twigged to, to some extent.

They’re obviously a few marketers shy of a pyramid scheme, because if you bundled breatharianism with some fun, sedentary exercises and added meal plans and kits and fucking retreats that help you get closer to starvation, you’d be the natural upsell for sanctimonious Atkins dieters.

No happening American cult is seen these days without a kirlian aura of Real Science, and there’s some great stuff to be had there too. Research suggests that if you severely restrict the caloric intake of every organism tested thus far including yeast, nematodes, spiders and possibly primates they live much longer.

Finally, ditch the musty, hard to spell moniker. Everybody wants to be an adjective these days, so we’d keep up with the trend and come up with a witty jingle and a catchy slogan that sticks with you:

Get more out of life.™ Be Starvy®

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